They lurk in the shadows of dive bars, ride their Schwinns along the streets of Minneapolis/St. Paul, and twirl their moustaches as they wait for the prime moment to pounce. Then they attack — there’s no blood, though you’ll feel as though you’ve been verbally abused simply under the glare of their eyes. You’re too mainstream for their pseudo-working class look.

How can you spot one? How do you keep yourself from being taken under their thrift store wing when it’s spread from the streets of New York City all the way to St. Francis, Minnesota? Most importantly, have you been infected… by the hipster?

The hipster. A feared group of 16 to 30 year old people who have taken the grubby, dingy look too far. Rumpled, out-dated clothing paired with unruly facial hair (for the men) and large over-sized glasses could be the first sign of a hipster. They’re known to embrace the working class stereotypes in an attempt to leave behind their wealthy, easy lifestyle such as drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and smoking Parliament cigarettes; both previously symbols of cheap society. Their greatest weakness? Fear of becoming too mainstream.

No one is absolutely positive about how one becomes infected. Could it be the unsuspecting nobody who stumbles into Uptown? Or is it through the seemingly harmless words over Minnesota Public Radio, The Current?

“I think it’s the clothes, hairstyles and all that jazz that lures them in,” said senior John Bakken.

A leading theory is thrift store shopping. A pathogen is passed through the unwanted clothes of the elderly and picked up by the unwarned trendy poser resulting in fashion suicide. The deadly microbes, ineffective on the original owners who are protected by a sense of authentic style, are passed through the second hand clothes to the new owner; now a potential hipster. The best way to avoid this infection is to cease shopping at your local Salvation Army or Ragstock; however, if you just can’t stay away from those grandma sweaters, please wash the items purchased before wearing them.

If you fear you have come in contact with the hipster, quarantine yourself immediately – you won’t want to spread it to fellow friends and family, continuing the hideous disease that is poor fashion sense and lack of musical talent or tastes.
Some signs of this impurity are alternative musical choices (i.e. Mumford & Sons, Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros, or Times New Viking), thrift store “trendy” clothes, large glasses, excessive facial hair (again, for the men), skinny jeans with the ankles rolled up, floral print, an obsession with astronomy, cats and triangles among other things.
The hipster infection is here and spreading faster then a lit match. There are few it won’t attack.  Be careful, you never know just who out there could be next. It could be you, or worse; I think I am one of it’s victims. I, Mel Krueger, have been infected by the hipster.